Tag Archives: parenting

April 30, 2010 · 12:08 pm

Mama, what colour is God? Is God a man or a woman?

Tough questions to answer, not because I cannot deal with them or explain but because I thought these would come much later, not when she is four. But it only tells you how conscious kids become these days and how early.

I was bathing my four year old and she said that she wondered what colour God was, just out of the blue. Ouch. I said to myself. I was not in the mood for an explanation at that point, had a lot to do, twins(have eight month old twin girls) needed attention, but I didn’t want to just let it go and ward her questions off, not this one. So, briefly, I told her all the right things, to the best of my ability, about colour of the skin not mattering etc etc, about God not being one and of a single colour.  She nodded then added “but lighter is better, isn’t it?” I squirmed, then said “no”,  and patiently told her some more about what mattered more, about good deeds and good human beings rather than superficial things like skin colour. She didn’t questions any more and I am not sure what she took away from our conversation, which I am going to revisit in a few days when I have a little more time to explain better and after, frankly, I’ve given it a thought myself, about what I am going to say!

I know I must be prepared as a parent to face all sorts of questions, and a lot would depend on what I say, so I must be careful. But what disturbed me was the fact that colour of the skin mattered to her, and she could not have picked this up from the house, since I am very particular about such matters and like to say the right stuff in front of the kids. And it’s not like she’s partial to fairer people either, which is why I was surprised and a little upset. This tells you about the limited control you have over what your kid learns and picks up, sooo many factors influence them, and you have to constantly counter or reinforce these, as may deem necessary. Scary.

Parenting is not easy. I just hope I have the answers as the questions come along..

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January 25, 2010 · 11:48 am

My four year old wants a princess birthday. Sigh.

“Mama”, she said in her sweetest voice, “I want a princess birthday”.

My first reaction was to wear my most Et tu, Bruté expression and scream: “nnnooooooooooo not a princess birthday, no no no!!” But motherhood has taught me, or so I like to think, to be patient and not have extreme reactions, even if the situation so demands! So, I took a deep breath, then in as patient a manner as I could, I tried to talk her out of it, to little avail. She was adamant and appeared to have thought it all through. She told me quite plainly that it was her birthday and that she had the right to decide what it would be. Fair, I thought, but did not give my consent. I didn’t want her to know she was winning that argument, I still thought I would give it one last push – try the dirty tricks, you know, incentives et all. It was, however, all in vain. She stood her ground and I caved. So it’s going to be a princess birthday.

Now for the debate.

There are really only two ways of looking at this. One – as a parent you have to, mostly, support your child, or at least give an impression of doing so, so just “go with it”, no matter what your personal views about it are. You might hate the fact that she wants to dress like a princess, have all these pink cut outs all over the place and have a castle cake! But, that is your view and she’s a four year old girl, influenced, unfortunately, by all she sees around her – so lump it mom and give the kid what she wants. She’ll grow out of it anyway in a few years. She’ll be happy that you did this for her. That’s one view.

The other: Nip this in the bud, stop all this pink stuff and start telling her all about mind over matter and all that cerebral stuff. If you give in now, then will you give in to all her demands just so you can be supportive? Tell her nicely; reward her in other ways but this she can’t have. She’ll protest, but eventually she’ll forget about it and be happy with what you do for her. Because, what if this is just the beginning and she does not outgrow all this? What if she actually turns into a princess? Cute now when she’s four, not so cute when she’s fifteen and all she wants to do is dress up. Nip it nip it nip it!

Sigh. I can see both sides, and I did think about it long and hard. But in the end, I decided to let her have it. I did this because I believe that despite her interest in the “princess stuff”, she also likes other kiddy things like playing in the park, doing puzzles, art and craft et all. So, this is a phase and she’ll get over it, if I resist it, she’ll get drawn to it more, so let her get it out of her system – a purge, so to speak. My niece, now eleven, was the same at four. To my sister’s absolute horror she’d dress Barbie dolls all day. Now she’s done a complete 180 degree turn and hates the stuff, in fact she thinks it’s fashionable to hate it, so she does this squirming, puhleez, action when I remind her about her erstwhile obsession. So hopefully, my little one will be the same and then, of course, I’ll balance it by getting her interested in more productive activities; I’ll distract her subtly. Also, a part of me believes that there’s really no harm in dressing dolls, it’s a part of growing up, just like having a play kitchen and cooking imaginary meals, which, by the way, she loves to do too.  In any case I had sort of foreseen this eventuality when she was two and to this end, of creating a balance, had introduced her to Dora – the anti Barbie, someone who wears shorts, puts on sneakers and a backpack and goes exploring. It worked. She had  a Dora birthday last year and adores her – actually thinks that Dora is a real person.

There is, however, one thing that I will not have – a Disney princess birthday! No invitation cards with the four Disney princesses posing together! There are some things where I draw the line – this is one of them!

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September 11, 2009 · 2:50 pm

Twin Girls!

I’ve been away from my blog for too long, have been on bed rest, then had the babies, who are a month old today..so am only writing this quick post to say that I’ve not had a chance to log on in months, but hopefully will be able to do so every now and then from hence on…optimistic (with twins girls and a toddler??), maybe? but hey I need to stay optimistic or I might just lose it!

I am thrilled with the twins, but it’s crazy, unending, constant, constant, constant!!!! I am lucky to be in India and able to afford lots of help – two full time maids – and yet I am on my feet the whole day….

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May 2, 2009 · 11:18 am

The Meltdown.

Terrible twos did someone say? What about terrible threes?? My three year old discovered her screaming abilities when she was two, or perhaps even before, and has been fine tuning that skill ever since. She does not talk anymore, she screams. Most of the time she’s playing teacher and berating us all at home, in the manner, I suspect, her teacher does at school – it’s like she becomes another person when she is role playing.

How do you tell a three year old to stop screaming? It only leads to more hollering and screeching, followed, of course, with the whole lying-on-the-floor-won’t-get-up act. When she does finally, and most reluctantly, lift herself off the ground, her ego is bruised, for she has not been cajoled into silence by mommy, rather she has, most grudgingly, been forced to give up the act on account of being neglected, and because of mommy’s cool do-what-you-want-you-can’t-bait-me-this-way reaction. Once the ego is hurt, that’s it. Tantrums follow – storming out of rooms, sulking, et all.

It settles, eventually, somehow. Then she sleeps, which was part of the problem. It’s a vicious cycle – she gets sleepy, refuses to be put to bed, in fact opposes any subtle signs that could hint of mommy’s secret intent of sending her into dreamland. The sleepier she gets, the more hyper she gets, the more hyper she gets the sleepier she gets and fights it all the more – so it’s a matter of time, of holding out, till the fatigue takes over and she can fight it (and mommy) no more. I then sink into bed with a sigh, worn out by this tussle.

Minutes later I rustle up the energy to get up and change – put on the idiot box for some mindless TV, (father and daughter safely, and mercifully, asleep) but it’s too mindless at times for my liking. I then reach for my book – reading Satyajit Ray’s Feluda stories right now (for those who have not read them, I recommend them highly).

I sink into the book, forget all about the recent histrionics and read till late. I know I should sleep, for tomorrow will be another day – waking up the rascal for school and all that follows, the screaming (again), the I-don’t-wan’t-to-go, the I-got-ouchie, the I-don’t-wan’t-to-bathe, the don’t-comb-my-hair…I know I’ll need the energy for it all. But I enjoy the silence of the night and my book too much to worry about tomorrow..

Sigh.

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March 27, 2009 · 5:56 am

Second Trimester – much better!

Am four and a half months now. My gynie kept telling me that the second trimester will be better, and it is. Though I am still on “limited activity”, I feel much better. So am trying to enjoy it – reading a lot, have got a bunch of films to watch..

Then am trying to prepare my three year old. She watches the Dora CD a lot where Dora is all excited about her mom having a baby and she becoming a big sister – (turns out her mom has twins so it fits perfectly!). I think, in theory, I am making progress. My daughter told me the other day, “mama, we’ll have to get two cots and also two rattles. I’ll give them rattles when they cry!”

Reality, I know will be very different. I know my daughter will be jealous, it’s only normal, and we’ll have to deal with that – it’s a fine balance..

This is the calm before the storm, I cannot imagine how it will be once they are out – twins! I don’t think I am over that yet.

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March 5, 2009 · 5:46 am

Twins, Asthma, Sugery and more!!

Have so much so say. I’ve been away from my blog for so long now, much has happened in the past three months. Here’s an update.

Yes, I am carrying twins! No, it has not sunk in. I am thrilled, of course, but freaked out, understandably! When the doc said, looking at the fuzzy amoeba looking things floating on the screen, “they look wonderful”, I looked deliberately obtuse, didn’t think he meant what he did, till he said “there are two”! TWO!!!!!!!!Drove back in a daze, then called the husband!

Now to prepare my daughter – my sister in law gave me this Dora CD in which Dora plays the big sister and her mother has twins. I am starting to prepare my daughter, but my oh my…

Lot more has happened. I’ve developed asthma, have already had a minor surgery to strengthen my cervix and been on rest for a while. Better now, but third trimester is going to be fun – lie in bed and forget about everything. Right. Someone tell my three year old that!!

And oh, husband is very happy, but worried about my health. Not to mention stressed about the slowdown – world into recession and here I am with a bumper crop – timing.

But one cannot plan in life. Three months ago I was dismal because I was not getting pregnant and look where I am today! No, took no fertility pills! Husband actually asked me that!! Turns out that women over 35 have a higher chnace of conceving twins. Also, in my case it’s in my genes, father’s sisters are twins..

So, here I am getting bigger by the minute and getting on my mom’s case to drop her life and come run mine!!

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October 20, 2008 · 6:03 am

Delhi, Diwali and Firecrackers

I love this time of the year, October, when the merciless Indian summer is finally behind me and glorious, festive days await. I love Delhi in the winter, when you can take the kids to the gardens and have lazy afternoons reading in the sun..

This is what we – three mothers of our car pool – were talking about on the way back from school when the conversation turned to Diwali and crackers. Now, I am of the strong opinion that crackers should be banned, yes, you heard me, banned. Why? well, first, because the industry employs children , something I have issues with, and second, because Delhi on Diwali night is suffocating because of the smoke and I do not think our children need to breathe in any more pollution than they already do – levels far beyond most civilized nations.

In the conversation I kind of made my views clear on the matter and even said that I had a solution, not that anyone was asking me, or, would even follow it, but nevertheless I had, what I thought, was the perfect midway: That you mark a place, an open ground or a stadium or something, where those who want to burst them can come and buy them at the gate, and then burst them inside, but no one can do so at home.

Well, my remark was not liked by one of the mothers, and she proceeded to say that Diwali would not be the same without crackers, a point I understood, since most of us have grown up bursting them at home and we have happy associations with the act. But, my point  was, that knowing well that they are made by little children, how can one justify using them? Also, an alarming number of children in Delhi have breathing related ailments largely due to the pollution levels in the air, so, knowing this, how can the mother of a two year old be adamant about bursting crackers.

I stood my ground and she stood hers, shaky as it was.  And I, unfortunately, have been blessed with a caustic toungue I have little control over, though in this case I did try as we were part of a car pool, but she irritated me no end by making sillier remarks as the car bumped along the traffic congested roads, like declaring that certain crackers – like anars – are not polluting, so they can be used. How people can justify stuff they like never ceases to amaze me. I bit my tongue but not before I had let out a sardonic laugh, which she noticed but didn’t react to. I didn’t  add anything more, because what do you say to someone educated like that who has a closed mind, it requires patience and energy. I had the latter, but not the former, so I let it pass.

What I did say that the school should teach the children to say no to crackers, something she was horrified to hear and imagine.  In her mind it was inconceivable that something like this could ever happen, that her little daughter could be brainwashed into believing the right thing!

Agh, I have a good mind to drop this car pool just for that!

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