Category Archives: mommyrage

May 3, 2011 · 9:31 am

The Sibling Factor..

I feel like a tightrope walker. All I seem to be doing, for, well, for a large part of my day, is the balancing act – between the kids that is.

Three kids – one five year old and then twenty month old twins – you can imagine the i-want-this-one kind of fights. To a new entrant in our house, the noise levels can be, well, just a wee bit overwhelming, to put it mildly. I am used to it, though; screaming is part of the general acoustics here. There is always a bone of contention, and that object, for that time, assumes such great importance for all three that nothing else can match its excellence and try as you might the one who has it will not part with it and the other two cannot be persuaded to play with anything else;  distraction tactics are met with flailing of the arms and, of course, some more screaming. No matter how hard I try to be fair and equal, there is always one kid (sometimes two)  screaming, or worse, sulking (this, mostly the older one) feeling betrayed and cheated. The younger ones like to express their discontent, at what they take for unfair treatment,  by prostrating themselves on the floor with shrieks that could pierce the Rock of Gibraltar.

The older one, on the other hand, has mastered the art of touching the raw nerves , of saying what she thinks will get her a reaction, and it does. “You don’t laugh with me the way you do with the twins”, or, “they are small, so you are always giving them my toys”.  She knows she’s being unfair when she says that, because I have been only too careful not to make her feel this way.  In fact, I have neglected the twins if needed, but not her, because I knew that it would be difficult for her to suddenly have to share everything, from her mother to her toys, with two more siblings. But, even then, at some level, she feels that I am not fair, that I treat her and the twins differently.

So, here’s what I think.  It’s a tough balancing act when you are a parent of two or more kids. In your mind you try and be fair, but that does not  necessarily mean that the kids see it that way too. In fact, it’s probably safe to say that they won’t.

I don’t know how my parents did it. I now realize what it means to raise three kids (we are three siblings too) and have them feel equally loved.  It’s a hard thing to do and my hope is that once they are grown up they won’t feel this way. Sibling rivalry can manifest itself in unpleasant ways, and that’s scary for a parent.

My kids are young right now and these are passing, insignificant fights, I know that. But, it makes me think, how will it be in the teenage years? When one of my girls is, say, 16, and the other two 13? Gosh. Imagine that.

These days will, in retrospect, look rosy and wonderful.

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March 23, 2011 · 6:16 pm

When parents Grow Old..

My folks live in a city that is about six hours by road (on a good day) and I visit them, say, three times a year. I try to get them to visit me but they are tangled up with their house, dog, garden, a little business they run (that is now getting a bit much for them but none of the kids want to take it over so it’s in a state of slow death) etc.

My father has Rheumatoid Arthritis and is in pain every single moment, every single day. It wasn’t so bad earlier, but for the past few months it’s become acute, mostly, because he’s developed a blood condition that requires some of his pain medication to stop. He’s now never without pain, in multiple parts of his body.

I call him, I feel terrible when I talk to him, but then my mom tells me that they are managing fine, which I know they are not. I go there sometimes when I feel he’s really low. But that can’t happen that often (kids school etc etc) so I mostly call, sometimes in my crazy day, I not even that . I  get sucked into domestic chaos and forget about his pain, till I get the time to think about it again (like right now). I want to change their life. I want them to wrap it all up and live in the same city as my sister, my brother and I, so we can look after them ( so it’s easier, I guess, for us to look after them) . They fight that and are not prepared to leave their life ( which I understand but I think it’s a matter of time that they’ll have to, once they grow too old to be alone). It’s hard I know, and we’ll face it someday too, but what is the other option, if none of us can move there?

It’s so hard to watch your parents grow old. I feel helpless. Part of me says – he needs you now,  drop everything and go, and sometimes I do. But I know I should be going/calling much more often; am so tied up with home and the kids that I can’t drop it all and go as often as I’d like. It makes me think – how does he feel about it? He’s in pain, he calls me and sometimes I can’t even talk because the kids are wailing and fighting over the phone. I tell him I’ll call later. I wonder if he understands. I know he calls my sister when he really needs to talk, she’s got more patience and has one grown up daughter, so it’s not crazy at home, though she works. We are three siblings, but all of us are so tied up with our daily lives that making a trip to see them becomes difficult, unless the kids have vacations.

I feel that time is running out. They are old, and though very independent, they, ideally, need someone to be there with them. They have help, of course, but that’s not all they need right now. They need one of us and not one of us can be there for too long.  It’s sad. I feel guilty, more because they never ask for help, but when I call my mom (now 75) and hear that the driver didn’t show up and she drove my dad to the doc, I feel miserable.

I don’t know what the solution is. His condition is not critical but he’s unwell and has a condition where he will be for a while, so, as my mom says ” how long can you leave your homes and be here?”. Not long I know, so we call, sometimes visit, then leave them waving at the door.

Life.

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March 15, 2011 · 6:51 pm

The clingy stage, all over again, and this time, it’s double trouble!!

My five year old is just about getting out of the really clingy stage (still demanding, don’t get me wrong, that’s not going to change – mommy must do everything!) But, she’s past that I-am-going-to-stick-to-your-leg-do-what-you-can state. So that’s something of a relief. (She’s developed other somewhat distressing habits, like the sulking and moodiness of a teenager, but, more on that later – another post). For now I am happy that she’s not hanging around me like a rope, on most days.

However, the twins, now one and a half, are right there! Clingy does not quite define their behavior right now. They are gluey to the point that I cannot even escape to the bathroom without them pounding on the door beseeching me to come out.  And that makes me wonder if this is so extreme because I’ve done/am doing something wrong!

The only thing I can think of is that, at night, I don’t put them to bed. I  leave the room because they drink milk (still on the bottle!) before sleeping and I can’t put two of them in my lap and feed them, so I leave them to their maids, something they were OK with till recently, but now they scream and shout and want me in the room. The problem, however, is that if I do try and put them to bed, they fight over who has to be in my lap, pushing the other out. It leads to much shouting and crying, with both of them saying “both babies!!” or “Mama, I want your lap!”.

It’s now kind of become a vicious circle – I flee because they fight each other for me, and no matter which one I pick up, I feel bad for the other. I leave because then, at least, they know that I’ve not picked one over the other. I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do. I do know that, because I leave, they get clingier. I did try once to lie down next to them and pat them both, didn’t work. They both wanted to climb all over me and fought sleep.

Maybe I need to do this a few times to make them believe that I am not going to leave them at sleep time. But then, I get tired by the end of the day and look forward to a little bit of downtime before I go to bed. And that’s what I am going to have to give up if I have to put them to bed too.  I have no time in the evenings to myself, none at all.  My older one has to be fed and put to bed by 8:00 – 8:20, on school nights, so once we come back from the park, I am on a fast track to get her all set for the night. Then we eat dinner (mostly, I eat with the twins taking turns to sit on my lap while I try and eat!). Then I play with them for about forty minutes, till the maids eat and wrap up. So, by the time it’s time for them to sleep, I am out of steam (and patience).  That’s when I want a bit of time to unwind, talk to my husband (seems like that never happens nowadays – a gap’s developing that I don’t like). The kids sleep with us at night, and the twins still wake up a lot, so I don’t get even one uninterrupted night’s sleep – they sometimes wake up at the same time and in their sleep they cry for mommy. That’s the hardest part, because they are sleepy and not in a mood for sharing their mother and I am not my best at that time either.

What am I doing wrong? Do all mothers of twins go through this?

I have so much to write, but, I need to sleep now. It’s late and something keeps telling me to stop blogging and sleep while the kids are sleeping too. Wonder what tonight will be like..

To bed now.

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March 10, 2011 · 4:39 pm

Schools. Gosh.

My five year old goes to a good school. OK, a great school. It’s one of the most sought after ones around here (elitist? you bet), with parents bending backwards to get their kids into it. I, actually, didn’t realize, when my daughter got admission, that it was so hot, but it is and getting hotter still.

Hotter and now, unfortunately, a bit arrogant too, with a don’t-like-it-leave-it attitude, which is not good, not good at all.

Tell me, am I overreacting when I say I don’t want to, as a parent, be assigned bus duty? What’s that? Well, it means that parents will be “encouraged”  to offer their services and be open to getting rostered duty on the school buses! Yes, you heard me. Not kidding! When I heard this, I was a bit, well, shocked, so I didn’t quite hold back my reaction and went ! “What the..”  Another parent, however, was open to it. (She said that she really wanted her second kid to get into the school, so she’d do what she could to get into the good books of the staff! ) Oh! come on! This is crazy, I said. She shrugged and informed me that she was part of the parent teacher association and intended to actually push the matter.(Not  a coincidence, I later thought, that her daughter is splattered all over the school magazine looking quite the star kid..hmm..)

Great. So now I pay through my nose (and other orifices!)  to send my kid to a good school only to be “requested” to spare a few hours every now and then to generally ride the school bus with a bunch of tired kiddos. Yup, my idea of a great afternoon. Not only that, what am I supposed to do with my kid on those days, the kid I pick up at the bus stop? I take her (hungry and tired) with me on this joyous ride too?

There is such a dearth of good schools and so many parents desperate for them, that schools get away with any shit these days. No one says a word.  The fee is hiked more regularly than fuel prices, but no one raises an alarm.I don’t exactly storm into the Principal’s room either! I am told they don’t take to well to revolt, and I am afraid my kid will suffer. So, I mutter to feel better and blog to vent  it out!

 

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December 13, 2010 · 5:36 pm

When They Think Santa Is Real And Babies Come From Heaven..

All the bratiness and moodiness aside, four-five is one of the sweetest stages in a kid’s (and a parent’s)  life.

My (almost) five year old wants Santa’s number. She says she wants to make sure she’s on the “good-list”.  Her innocence and gullibility actually makes me sad, because, she believes most things she hears, takes the world at face value and thinks Santa is for real.  It’s sad because one day her perception of the world around her will change, and though that change will be gradual, it’ll be heartbreaking nevertheless. That’s growing up I guess. But, I don’t want to shatter it for her.  I don’t know what the right thing (what ever that is) to do is.  And I don’t care. All I know is that this is a wonderful stage in a kid’s life and I am not about to ruin it.

What do parents do? Do they let thier children live in fantasies and let them find out eventually by themselves, or do they start to prepare them to handle truths about life?

She’ll find out one day I know and she’ll ask me point blank, as she does most things, no matter how much I try and gloss over them. She used to ask me about my father-in-law, who passed away before she was born. I used to tell her what I could in a way that I thought she’d  be able to stomach. Then one day, when she was all of three, she came to me and said, “mama, I know grandpa is dead”. I had never used that word around her, but she figured it out. And she’ll figure this out too one day.

Till then, I’ll let her believe that there is a Santa, that the world is a good place, that babies are made in heaven and that her parents will live forever.

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November 9, 2010 · 9:52 am

Four year olds, and their moods.

My older daughter is a little over four and a half. She is, by and large, a well behaved kid. Or, so she was. Now she’s moody as hell. To the point that I have names for her depending on her moods.  We (she, my husband and I) laugh about this often – she, mostly, likes the fact that I have names for her sulky days, or whiny ones, also the happy ones.

She may wake up happy, but within minutes of opening her eyes, she’s turned into a sulk pot. For no reason. I make it a point to be in the room till she’s up and don’t, as far as I can help it, hold the babies  when she’s waking up, so she does not feel that her mommy has not been in the room while she’s been asleep (she does not like that and has told me this  on several occasions). But try as I might, she’s moody, and whiny. I can see that she wants to play and be happy but something holds her back. One day, when she was in a happy mood (which is not rare either) I asked her why she acts this way. She said that I didn’t play with her anymore and that I was always scolding her. This, obviously, was not the case, though I could see that she meant what she said. So, the point was, she felt this way.

Ok, so she was partly right, but only partly. I do have less patience than I used to and have less time to play/read to her. But I am doing the best I can. I spend as much time with her as I can, I don’t go out much and when I do I, mostly, take her with me, even if I don’t take the twins. but I guess for her four year old mind that’s not good enough. It’s all relative – she’s comparing to the time when the twins were not there and compared to that, of course, it’s different.

My mom tells me that my sister, the eldest,  used to be the same and when my brother was born (they are a year and a half apart) she went through the same thing with her. And now, my sister is the most loving sibling one could have. So I am thinking this will not have long term repercussions and that she’ll learn to accept (which, I can see she has to a large part) the fact that she has to share her mother.

The moods are there and I think they are here to stay for a while. I just have to be patient, because my losing it makes it worse. It’s hard, though, when you’ve woken up eight times at night (between the twins sometimes that’s the case) and then in the morning have to deal patiently with a four year old who is watching your every step and judging you for being “better” to the siblings!

It’ll pass I know. They are a happy bunch together, so when I see them all play and hear the ecstatic screams of the twins as the rush to hug their older sister when she returns from school, and she, in turn, dropping her bag to embrace them, I feel it’s all worth it.  I am happy that (hopefully) they’ll always have each other.

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September 7, 2010 · 5:30 pm

Patience. I need patience.

I tell myself everyday, literally every night when I sleep, that I shall be more patient. It does not happen.

My four year old daughter returns from school and throws a tantrum. Everyday. I think it’s a phase and I try and be calm, but  I am not a patient person by nature (when you are a parent, that is one quality you must have. Unfortunately, I lack it). But,  I try. She does not want to eat, does not want this and that, everything is an issue. I know why she is doing this and it’s only normal. Her life has changed after my twins (now a year old) were born. She does not get her mother as much as she used to, even though I spend more time with her than with the babies. Also, she’s tired and hungry by the time she gets home and, being a four year old, can’t deal with it, so she just generally screams and flails her arms and legs about – something, it seems, most four year olds love to do. It’s a preferred way of expressing their will.

I have little time at lunchtime – the babies need to be fed too and they cry if they hear her scream and shout. So here I have a clingy four year old, wrapped snake-like around my legs, wailing, and a set of twins crawling their way to me to seek security. Within minutes of entering the house, after picking her up from the bus stand, I find myself holding three kids, all of whom want the other to leave the mommy. Patience. I tell myself. Patience..

There are, of course, good days too, but, it seems, that right now, those are few and far between. I understand the older one’s clingyness and do feel bad that I don’t handle her better, but I feel tired (and sleep deprived) and the screaming just blows some fuse in my head. She was not like this before and, even now, she treats the babies really well and accepts that I am their mommy too. But when she is tired, which she is when she returns from school, she lets it get the better of her and that just starts this snowball effect – she screams, I lose it, the babies cry, I get angry, she cries more, the babies get even more upset, I try and calm everyone down, then – somehow – we make up, she tells me that I upset her, that makes me feel like a worm, I hug and kiss her, and then we eat lunch! Phew.

I know it will get better and, like I said, it’s not like this all the time. So, I am hoping it will pass. And I am working on my patience levels.

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