My greatest fear is getting bigger..

I’ve given up work for my daughter, now two. It’s something I wanted to do, but also, it’s not like I really had a choice either. I could hardly leave her to a maid for the whole day, since none of her grandparents, for some convoluted-yet-understandable reason or the other, could baby sit her. In India, let me add, it’s very common for the grannies, especially, to do so. But in my case, it was not to be.

So, I quit work and sunk deep into domestic life, and you know the thing about that, it’s like quicksand, once you’re in it, you only sink deeper – you’re at home, so you handle everything, there’s no escape. Before you know it, you’re up to your head with all sorts of home-running issues, you have no time for yourself, you don’t care about your appearance and life runs you by.

Then, one day, you meet an old classmate who heads some firm or the other (everyone heads divisions in companies these days, makes you wonder where all the followers are??) Anyway, you meet this all tip-top (Indian phrase for someone nattily turned out) person who tells you how hard she’s working, but how great the money is, and all the rest of it. That’s when you look at yourself and wonder where your life is heading, and that thought does not lead to anywhere good, you don’t like what you see in your future. It’s when your mother’s words ring loud in your ears and you try and brush them away – that in a few years your kid will be grown up and would not need you that much, but by then you’d have been out of the race (it’s all about being in the race, unfortunately) too long and people would politely tell you that, sometimes not so politely.

But what can I do? I am not sure. What I know is that I am going down a path I never thought I would, and my biggest fear is that a few years down the road, it’ll hit me and I’ll lose it..it’s my fear and, what’s worse, is that I know it well might happen, yet I keep walking down that road..

Men don’t understand it, they never will, because they never face it. It’s not fair.

3 Comments

Filed under mommyrage, ramblings

3 responses to “My greatest fear is getting bigger..

  1. It is scary to think about what will happen when the kids are gone. I try to keep up with my friends and my own interests apart from my child. So I can maintain some semblance of a life outside of my child. So when they are gone I still know who I am besides being “Annabelle’s mom.”

    Its hard when you meet those people that like to talk about how much money they are making, etc. But there are also people that feel jealous that you get to stay home.

  2. Stop stop stop – torturing yourself! You’re doing great – stop thinking so much! It must be an Indian thing, cuz I’m also Indian and am cursed with thinking too much.

    I loved a saying I heard a while back that makes sense to me:

    “It’s not what you do, it’s who you are that counts”. it really is so true.

    Society – especially the Indian society – places an inordinate amount of importance on career, not enough on just “living” and gives such little credit to mothers. That’s what’s unfair.

    To me, a mother who stays at home and is still sane: is in “tip-top shape”.

    And your children will always need you – just in a different way.

    Take care and take it easy on yourself.

  3. Agreed! The fact that you are taking care of your family is commendable!

    I also try to have something outside of my children to keep my sane and to help me feel more of a sense of self. I chose to do a business at home that way I can bring in some money too. Others like to volunteer or have a specific hobby they enjoy. The point is to try and find something that gives you that extra sense of happiness.

    You are the only one who can make you happy!

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